It's so unfair being called unfair all the time

If you have more than one child, there's one thing you can count on. One or more of your kids will be watching you to make sure everything you're doing is "fair," and believe me, you will always come up wanting.

In our house, Mark and I call Paul the fairness police. He is the one, more than any other, who is ever-vigilant in the hunt for infractions. If the scales tip slightly in favor of one of his brothers at any time, we hear about it promptly. "But that's not fair!" he shrieks, two, 10, 20 times a day.

It doesn't help to have Gus as one of Paul's brothers. When one of the children stays home while the other two are at school, he just naturally and unavoidably gets some perks the other two may not- a trip to the children's museum or the Family Fun Center at the Y, lunch out with Mom occasionally.

Once in a while, I take Gus to get a Happy Meal after a job well done accompanying me to the grocery store. It's not the toys that get me busted. Believe me, we have enough junk around here that an extra trinket could easily go unnoticed. No, even though I've explained to Gus that it would hurt Paul's feelings if he knew about the treat and asked him to please not mention it, Gus can't help crowing about it. Thanks a lot, Benedict Arnold! (I'm sure specifically asking Gus not to spill makes it all the more likely he will.)

Boy do I hear about it when Paul finds out what I've done. He trots out everything. "You NEVER take me to McDonald's! You ALWAYS take Gus!" This went on for days after the last time.

I remember how it felt. My brothers and I were the same. My older brother, Sean, went on his junior high class trip to Washington DC. I didn't even want to go on mine, but I didn't let that stop me from holding over my parents' head that Sean got something that I hadn't.

 

All of the accusations of unfairness can get to even the most confident parent. Does Paul have a point? Am I really being as equitable as I can? I don't feel like I favor any one of my kids. They irritate and curry favor with me in fairly equal measure. I hope that's what they see.

The only conclusion I can reach is that it's impossible, and maybe even undesirable, to be perfectly fair. We've undoubtedly spent more money on Ben's many lessons and sports. He just happens to be more of a joiner. Paul prefers to be at home, content to have free time to doodle and daydream. Of course, if he found a passion for art classes, karate, whatever, we'd offer the same backing to Paul.

I'll take solace in knowing that the fairness battle does have an endpoint. All adults now, my brothers and I have long since forgotten about keeping score. I think we recognize that my parents did the best they could.

In the end, I don't think it matters who got more birthday presents or trips to McDonald's. If I'm fairly equal in the time I spend playing a board game with Ben, drawing Skylanders with Paul, building Lego structures with Gus, I think I'm doing my job pretty well.