As is so often the case of late, it all comes back to Gus. After months, actually more like years, of debate and much research, Mark and I have decided to try medication to treat Gus's ADHD.
Every step of the way, I've not so secretly hoped to be talked out of it. When I began to receive reports this year about Gus's difficulties in school, our first stop was our family doctor. Our doctor is pretty conservative when it comes to prescribing. I was sure I could count on him to sway us in
Instead, to my surprise, Dr. K. told us about his own daughter's struggles with ADHD and what a help medication was when she finally tried it. The drugs, he told us, are really pretty safe and effective. He gave us some other tools we could try, including a meditation book for kids, but I was left with the message that drugs might not be such a bad option.
I felt better about the idea of giving meds a try, but as is often case with me, my relief didn't last for long. I took to the internet for some ill-advised research, and the waters were muddied again in no time.
The catch-22 of ADHD is that, as a parent, you will be judged no matter what you do. Choose to medicate, and you may be labeled lazy or worse. Maybe choose not to medicate. Nope, you'll still be judged: Why can't you control your kid? I read one particularly scathing screed written by a teacher complaining about parents sending their ADHD kids to school unmedicated. You cannot win.
When we received Gus's diagnosis last year, the clinician told us that medication can really help but gave us little else in the way of resources. For questions, he directed us to a website.
Feeling desperate for help and guidance, I found a local counselor who specializes in ADHD. Her website looked pretty earthy, and she describes her practice as holistic. Surely she would steer us away from medication.
The counselor, who was by far the most helpful resource we found, told us about her son who grew up with ADHD. She asked how we felt about medication. I told the truth: I tell myself I'm open to whatever might help Gus, but every time I think about actually medicating him, I find the idea repugnant.
She told us that she's loathe to take even an aspirin, but when it comes to ADHD, medication is something we really needed to consider, and sooner rather than later. She asserted that we needed to get Gus functioning on a level field with his peers. ADHD that is properly treated can reduce self-esteem problems and other serious issues like depression. She went on to say that since they're used on children, ADHD meds are among the most studied and tested.
After that appointment, Mark and I had decided to try medication and chose a mid-November start date. In the weeks leading up to the day, I was not at peace with our choice. I wavered constantly. I was fine with the idea of starting, but when it came time to imagine actually giving Gus the meds, I felt ill.
We chose Sunday as the first day to trial the medication. Saturday Mark and my parents and I took Paul and Gus to Xtreme Raptor Day in Milwaukee. Paul is a bird lover, and Gus has caught the fever, too.
It was a happy and memorable day, culminating in Gus being chosen to go on stage for this bird trivia contest led by super heroes Capt. Talon and Eagle Eye. Each child was assigned a bird, and the audience had to guess which bird was the correct answer for a series of questions. Gus chose to represent the Harris's hawk.
Gus was in his glory, hamming it up. I watched with my usual mix of joy and trepidation of what he might do. I don't know where he gets it, but Gus is a natural showman. He danced about, gleefully shouted out answers and generally stole the show. A question about which kind of bird was in class by itself perfectly matched Gus himself as well as his bird. That's Gus: in a class by himself. When Gus was one space away from winning, Capt. Talon cracked, "I can't imagine what he'll do if he wins."
Gus did win, and his joy was pure. It was a sweet moment, and it's poignancy hit me hard. The current that runs beneath all that's happening is my fear that if we medicate Gus, we might lose the real him, and I can't bear that thought.
Sunday came, and difficult though it was, we gave Gus his first dose. The day didn't go so well. G seemed subdued at first but then was emotional, just not himself. He seemed agitated, sensitive.
I know it's a process, getting the right dosage and hitting on the right medication. On Monday we sent Gus to school with meds on board, fearing the worst, hoping for the best. By midday I got an email from Gus's teacher: his demeanor was laid-back, and he needed no reminders or redirection. Today, I received another email: "Hi Mom and Dad, I'm a rock star at school today. Love you, Gus."
As we were lying down for bed last night, I asked Gus how the medication made him feel. "I didn't even think about doing a cartwheel," he said. "I only thought about school."
My eyes clouded with tears once again from the relief and stress of it all. We made it through a day. Gus seemed more himself, and the real him certainly wasn't lost.
There's no easy endpoint to this story, no "and everything turned out fine in the end." The road we're traveling isn't straight; its long and winding.
I wish I could say to hell with what other people think, but my skin is thin. Every time I come across information advising against our decision, every time a friend or acquaintance proffers unsolicited advice, it hurts.
We made a choice that we hope is best. There's no road map to follow with this condition. How I wish there were. I don't know when or even if I'll ever feel at peace with it. Perhaps only in retrospect.
All we have is the hope that we're moving in the right direction and the knowledge and security that we love and adore our boy and will never stop working for his best interest.
1 comment:
Jessica,
I know exactly how you feel. We went through the same thing. I remember going to a black church with Caleb in Milwaukee. Black mothers rule the roost and don't put up with nonsense, so I was completely embarrassed as Caleb caused issues throughout the Mass. After Mass a woman came up to me and told me that Caleb was ADHD and that he had it bad. She then told me that God placed Caleb with me for a reason and that he was going to be somebody great someday. Of course, I started crying. I was prepared for vindication and instead got validation.
I also remember thinking that I didn't want a zombie for a son, especially since he is such a funny, creative child. I was happy when he was still Caleb despite the medication. And his behavior and grades in school improved dramatically. In fact, we do occasionally forget and get emails asking us if we medicated because he is out of control without it. What scares me most is the choices he makes when he is not medicated. We don't do a dose after school because it affects his sleeping so much. I worry about when he is older and making choices regarding drinking, sex, etc in the evenings. I want him to make good choices and he is so impulsive without the meds. My hope is that at some point maturity wins over impulse.
It is a hard thing to deal with as a parent. Sometimes I think it will drive me to drink. But I also see an amazing creative child who leaves choir at the sign of peace to give us a hug. There are blessings that come too and we have to hold on to that.
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