On my myriad list of unexpectedly difficult parenting tasks, discipline ranks pretty high. That timeout I was so sure would work? Not so simple. In the early days, my biggest misconception was that my kids would actually cooperate for it. My boys, especially my youngest, were close to 3 before they would sit without me physically restraining them. Often, my patience with the task of holding onto a writhing 2-1/2-year-old would die long before their willpower to break free.
 |
| Ben makes amends to Paul. |
I've long felt utterly ineffectual in this area. At night I pray for guidance in becoming a loving but effective disciplinarian, but the skill seems to elude me still. I feel like I should be at a level of consistency in which my boys know that if they transgress, there will be a consequence, and this should, in the long run, lead to fewer transgressions. Um, we're not there.
Part of my problem is that I can't decide what kind of disciplinarian I want to be. By default, I'm kind of a softie; I'd rather be the good cop. I prefer not to haul out the big punishment guns. But then inevitably one of the boys does something to really tick me off, and suddenly I swing way out the other way, doling out penalties I don't even intend to keep. It should be no wonder to me that we are in this place.
At our boys' ages, with the exception of Gus, we've kind of reached the end of the usefulness of timeouts. It's time to find the next generation of solutions to behavior problems.
I attended one parenting workshop in which the leader noted that all kids have things that are important to them. Those things are their currency. If kids aren't meeting expectations, they can't have what's important to them.
Certainly, I've used this tack, but not very effectively. This is when I start to break all the parenting rules - threats, cajoling, bargaining, I've sunk to it all. It's awfully easy to blurt out in the heat of the moment, "OK, you're off videogames for the next two days!"
One my favorite parenting suggestions came from a book I was reading in hopes of finding strategies for Gus. The book is entitled "Parenting Children with ADHD: 10 Lessons that Medicine Can't Teach."
The author, Vincent Monastra, recommends households implement a parent-child non-aggression pact. The first part of the pact is that "it is not okay for anyone in the family to yell, threaten, hit, tease or be mean to another family member."
The second part of the pact is "if a family member says or does something that is hurtful, when they cool off, they will apologize and do something to make up."
The rule applies to everyone in the family, including parents. A make-up gesture could be anything from writing a note of apology to doing an extra chore to making the family a snack.
"In life, when we do (or say) something to another person that is hurtful, we owe that person an apology," Monastra writes. "It's also a good idea to try to make amends."
I love this idea of making amends, and the goal of setting up my kids for healthy relationships in the future appeals to me immensely.
"In healthy relationships, we don't take something away from our friend or partner if they upset us or we upset them," the author states. "Not if we want an enduring relationship. Instead, we offer an apology and make up. Why not teach that to your children?"
I read about the non-aggression pact idea more than two months ago. No, I have not implemented it with perfect consistency. Like everything in parenting, it's been a learning curve. When I'm really angry, it's not as gratifying to say, "Let me cool down and think about what we're going to do about this."
I'm trying, though, and I hope to only get better at it. On Sunday night, Ben and Paul were playing a rough game. Ben made an impulsive decision and hurt Paul. Badly. Paul was screaming; I was irate. I summoned all my patience, though, and told Ben I'd think about his consequence and let him know when I was calm.
Instead of taking Ben off videogames for a week, which may have been my first instinct, Mark and I decided that Ben would need to make it up to Paul by apologizing and doing something nice for him. Last night, Ben read two chapters of Return of the Indian to Paul.
Ultimately, I want to shape the boys into calm and rational human beings who know how to effectively handle conflict. I think this strategy will help us get there, so I'm going to try to discipline my own inconsistent self into following it faithfully.
I'm curious, though, what strategies work in your household?
No comments:
Post a Comment