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Ben has come home from sixth grade each day this week proclaiming the awesomeness of middle school. Paul? He loves second grade, especially his teacher, Mrs. Burns, who "never yells." (She's one up on Mommy there.) Gus digs 4K, and his favorite is recess, just as it should be.

Everyone is doing great but me. I feel utterly adrift. I didn't see this coming. I've waited nearly eight years for this, right? Three hours a day of uninterrupted time to myself. Now that the time has arrived it feels ... weird.

The house seems unnaturally quiet. On Thursday, after sitting at home and listening to the sounds of silence for two and a half hours, I finally grabbed my book and headed to school early to sit in the car and wait for Paul and Gus to be finished.

A fellow 4K mom stood swaying her sleeping toddler son tethered to her in a carrier. I felt envious. You spend years with a child jabbering constantly in the back seat of the car. Maybe you wish for just a little bit of peace and quiet. The day to day wears you down, all that buckling and unbuckling, in and out of the car with your young one. Then suddenly that time in your life comes to a close, and it's a little devastating.
 

Yes, Gus still is with me half the day, but really, this feels like the beginning of the end. I know all too well, after all, how quickly a school year passes. Best not be blasé about having plenty of time left.

I've been at this stay-at-home mom gig for so long, I'm suffering a bit of an identity crisis. Who am I without a kid with me all day? It's unsettling because when I peer into the Magic 8 Ball of my future, I see ... nothing.

It's perfectly honorable, of course, to remain a stay-at-home mom when all of one's kids are in school full-time. Lord knows there's plenty to do. I never really saw that for myself, though. My family will always be my No. 1 priority, but I want to do something more, even if it's just a little something. But what?

My plan has long been that I'd take my extra time this year and explore my options. I look at every opportunity, each help wanted sign. Would I be happy doing before and after school care for the Y, working part-time in a coffee shop? Freelance writing, work-from-home jobs, I've considered it all. I've been out of the game so long that it all feels foreign to me.

I've thought about going back to school. Culinary school. I'm passionate about cooking. Or maybe I'd like to become a paralegal. But I already have a degree. Do I really have the focus for that right now, and do I want to put my family in debt? This is the inner dialog of my days.

I have a hard time being at peace with uncertainty. Since that's all I've got right now, though, all I can do is appreciate that I have this time to search and try to enjoy the journey. Maybe shed a few tears for time that has passed too quickly. Wish me well.