Summer's swan song

As my friend's son was preparing to leave for his freshman year in college this past week, I commented to my friend that I supposed the only way to get through her sorrow was to focus on what an exciting time this will be for her son. Easy for me to say. When my time comes, I suspect I will spend the weeks before and after my sons' departures ugly-crying locked in my room. Maybe my advice holds some truth, though, so I'm trying to focus on that as I prepare for the upcoming school-time transitions.

Beginnings and endings, they always get me. I have such mixed feelings about this time of year. Though all conventional wisdom tells me summer is supposed to be carefree, the season can be challenging and overwhelming for me. For the boys, I try to find that perfect balance between scheduled and free to just be. I inevitably fail, often either feeling crazily over-scheduled or sitting there with wide expanses of time wondering how I could possibly fill them.

It's hard to keep constructively occupied three little dudes with different interests. This one wants to go to the nature center, while another turns up his nose at the idea, and the third says he wants to come along but when we arrive and have walked approximately 100 steps, he can't possibly go any farther. A lot of days are some variation of that.

Complaining aside, though, I like having all three boys home with me, or at least the idea of it. It makes me happy knowing I can see their smiling, naughty faces whenever I want. It seems that this time of year I can't shake the feeling that somehow I've failed at summer. I haven't been the least bit carefree.

The fact that Mother Nature has dealt us this final blast of heat has helped me through my uncertain feelings. I heard on NPR recently that violent crimes spike when temperatures climb. While I am confident that I won't be committing any crimes, this weather certainly does make me ever so slightly deranged and irritable. My heart may be saying I don't want to see the boys go back to school, but my head knows it's time. Besides, this place is a mess, and I need to whip it into shape. 

I took Ben to his middle school last week to scope out his locker, try his combination, walk his schedule. We rode our bikes so he will feel confident riding to school if he so chooses. By the end, he was pretty excited, and I was happy for him. This was a first. I'd been feeling the tiniest bit apprehensive. Today I dropped my oldest at his first cross country practice. This is just the first of many new opportunities he'll get to experience in the coming months. He is ready for this.

Paul has grown so amazingly much over his school career. I know he will be happy to go back to his friends. I'm certain that 4K will bring all kinds of surprises for Gus and for us. 

Fall is my favorite season. I love the weather, the changing colors, the getting back to some semblance of structure and organization. Ultimately, I feel happy and hopeful. I just need to get past this little bit of malaise.

I will remember: this an exciting time for my boys. I will try to hold that thought in my head as next week I watch each son take one more tiny step away from me.