Friendly persuasion

I can't help but marvel at how the tables have turned. As few as two years ago, I didn't worry a bit about Ben's social life. Paul, on the other hand, I had big concerns. Both years he spent in preschool, he didn't really bond with the other kids. He came away without a single solid friendship. I was really concerned for Paul going into kindergarten.

Fast forward to today, and everything is the opposite. Paul has friends aplenty. He's got a best buddy, and he establishes new relationships with ease. He has no fear of calling up someone and asking to play. Now, Ben, I'm a little concerned.

By all indications, Ben does fine socially in school. He hangs with a group of boys at lunch and recess. A sports lover, my oldest seems to gravitate toward the jocks, a crowd of boys destined for a popularity that I don't see Ben reaching. But I digress. Figuring out that stuff is all part of growing up.

I have no desire for Ben to be popular. On the contrary. I was no popularity queen when I was Ben's age (quite the opposite, to tell the truth), so I take a dim view of that whole game. No, all I want is for Ben to have at least a small group of close friends, but that seems to be a struggle for him.

Kids from Ben's class don't call, and he doesn't call them either. Rarely if ever does he have people over to the house or go anywhere. For Mark and me, this is tough. In high school, Mark was shy and rarely did anything with his peers. He regrets that, and it's hard for him to see our son on the same path.

More often than not, we turn to nagging. "Ben, why don't you call Kobe?" "Go and see if the neighbor can play!" Sometimes we go so far as compelling him to call two or three people. This goes about as well as you'd expect, and we feel powerless to help.

The other day, we were at Paul's soccer game, and one of Ben's classmates was there. "Look Ben, it's Mac!" I said. "Why don't you go over and say hi?" I coaxed, knowing full well that he wouldn't.

When Mac walked by a little later, I tried again, prompting Ben to say hello. He waved weakly and mumbled. "Oh, guess he didn't see me," he said. When his classmate came past a final time, instead of saying hi, Ben got a sudden and curious urge to cheer for Paul vociferously. Yeah, I wasn't buying it.

It's such a tricky situation. Ben is an introvert, no doubt. He's happy reading books two or three hours a day. That's great, but both Mark and I worry that now is the time when he really needs to make connections with his peers. We fear that if he doesn't put himself out there now, he may be left behind.

I've been reading the book, The Purpose of Boys. In it, the author notes that boys tend to bond over activities. They're more comfortable chatting while throwing a ball back and forth than having a deep conversation.

In the end, it's not up to Mark or me. At 10, Ben's well past the age of us setting up play dates for him. We'll have to trust him to make his own choices. I'll keep the bit of knowledge from the book in mind, though, and try to work my influence subtly. Ben does like activities, so we'll encourage him to pursue those, and hope that he'll foster some friendships along the way.

For all of the aforementioned reasons, I'm so relieved that my boys all have one another. They bicker plenty, but as Paul is fond of saying, they're best buddies. And that is a lot.