Whatever will I do with myself?

I'm on the cusp of change. It's dawning on me all of a sudden that my kids are getting older. Ben is almost 9. Paul is starting kindergarten next month! Soon I will have only one boy home with me full-time. And even though I still sometimes think of my baby, Gus, as an actual baby, clearly he's not. He'll be 3 in a few weeks.

As a newborn Gus was colicky. After he got over that, he spent a few months as a content baby before walking at 10 months and rushing right into becoming the little wild man I know so well. Since Gus has been challenging to me from the time he was a newborn, I've spent a lot of time wishing and praying that things would get easier. Improvement has seemed to come infinitesimally slowly overall, but I think we're actually getting there.

Summers with Big G are particularly challenging, and each year when the season has rolled around, I've hoped that this would the year things would get easier. His first mobile summer, Gus was newly walking and into everything. He climbed, he put anything and everything in his mouth. Last summer, he was fast, determined and reckless. He obeyed no boundaries and would dash into the street without a thought. It doesn't always feel this way, but I have to say this summer has gone more smoothly. Gus has a longer attention span. He can engage in imaginative play and keep himself entertained for a reasonable amount of time. And while he's still a wanderer outside and needs to remain under close supervision, I think he's finally beginning to learn to keep himself safe.

All of this has me wondering what lies ahead for me. I've spent the last nine years in a haze of nursing, diaper changes and potty training (though, no, Gus isn't trained yet). I was only 25 when I became a mom, and while I worked full time for more than five years before becoming a stay-at-home mom, it feels like I've been out of the work force forever. I genuinely wonder, who will I be without these things? Will I feel unmoored? After all, it won't be so long before all my boys will be in school. I know it's another two years (or three, depending on what we decide about the whole summer birthday issue), but I also know how quickly two or three years passes. Sniffle.

Time is a funny thing. When we're young, it can't move quickly enough. Even when I was raising babies, I felt that way. Yes, I often felt wistful, that time was slipping away too swiftly, that milestones were arriving too rapidly. However, at the same time, I think I prevailingly wished for progress: for my boys to sleep through the night, to become just a little bit more independent. Now is one of those times when I've stopped and realized how quickly the years have marched past. My God, I'm in my mid-30s. I have a 9-year-old?!?! My answer to my above question about who or what I'll be is I don't know, but I'm optimistic. I'm happy with where my life stands and excited and curious to learn what will come next.