Yes, my oldest turned 13 today, and it feels big. I'll try not to bemoan how quickly time passes (God, it does!) and instead focus on all that is excellent about right now.
With Ben, our conversations may still be made up largely of the perfunctory "fine," "yeah" and "no" grunts of the teenage lexicon. Every once in a while, though, Ben will open up and talk about actual, interesting topics, and it's like a beautiful sunrise, a chorus of angels. I exaggerate, but only a little. It is so good, so gratifying.
In moments like the one when he excitedly told me about the book he'd happened upon and adored in his eighth-grade English teacher's classroom library, we have actual adult-like connection. I see glimpses of adult conversations he and I will share, and I'm filled with optimism.
Few things make me happier than choosing a book for Ben and having him like it. He's rarely so effusive as to say that he loves it, but watching him tear through books in his familiar speed-reading style fills me with joy.
I watched in awe this summer when Ben and his group gave their final presentation at his engineering camp. He spoke loudly, confidently and authoritatively. That day I set aside all fears that he may turn out to be as meek and nervous as his mother in front of a crowd.
I see the power and beauty of his mind in his academic achievement and his musical ability. I watch how hard he works in soccer and at running, and I'm proud not so much about his successes but rather his sheer determination.
My boy can be shy and serious, especially around adults. But he's the quintessential goofy, attention-seeking teenager in the company of his friends.
Ben has long since given up snuggling. Unlike his brothers, he's rarely outwardly affectionate. Yet I know he still needs and craves our love and attention. The infant who could barely sleep away from the comfort of my arms is now an expert at the half hug/half push away when I say good night to him before bed. Stolen bits of affection will have to suffice.
It's scary, often, to realize just how few years we have left with Ben (fewer than five now, not that I'm obsessively counting). Oh how I wish I could rewind or pause, but I have no choice but to keep going forward and watching in wonder as Ben speeds toward manhood.
As I shed a tear or two at time's swift, relentless march, I also savor this moment watching Ben in all his awkward teenage glory. The coming years are sure to be filled with their share of pain and uncertainty but also so much goodness and promise. Mark my words. This boy - he will become something special.
No comments:
Post a Comment