Lost

What parent hasn't dreamt of swaths of free time, time to do whatever their heart desires while their kids are nestled away in the competent hands of another? My brothers like to joke that they'd love to be stay-at-home dads if they could put their kids in daycare all day. As with so many things in life, though, the reality doesn't match the vision.

I suppose I'm living the dream - all of my kids at school for seven hours a day and me with little more than free time. Only it doesn't feel very dreamy. It feels weird and wrong.

I've been dropped into this big change, and at the same time I'm mourning the permanent passage of a time in my life. The strangest things get to me. I had to choke back a sob the other day upon stumbling across "Curious George" on PBS Kids and thinking how much I wished Gus had been there to ask me if he could watch.

It's been quite a month, filled with bitter, sweet and bittersweet. I sent my youngest son to kindergarten. We adopted and then returned a dog. My husband just got this amazing promotion at work. Through it all, though, I keep coming back to feeling discontent.

I've applied for a handful of jobs and have yet to receive an interview. My phone sits silent, and I feel like the woman the world has forgotten. I have a lot of confidence in my abilities and what I can offer, but I'm afraid all employers see is the gaping hole in my resume.

It's strange, this juxtaposition of Mark's soaring success at work and my inability to launch even a meager career. I don't have any regrets about choosing to stay home, but I do wish I'd focused more on the end game. 

You know that admonition to young women: don't go directly from being someone's daughter to someone's wife to someone's mother? Well, I pretty much did just that. And I'm happy with the way it turned out. Yet I see the wisdom in this advice. If could go back I'd tell myself to have a long-term plan. Now I'm in my late 30s and have not a clue about how to spend the rest of my life.

I've been through enough doldrums to know that inertia is your worst enemy, and I fight it at all costs. Tempting though it is some days, I will not let myself slip into indulging in a "Grey's Anatomy" rerun bender on Netflix. I fill my days with exercise and house work, decluttering the basement.

Mark encourages me to go easy on myself, enjoy this time. I have been raising kids full-time for almost nine years. Take a break. I try, and I know someday I will look back on this time and kick myself for letting myself get so angsty about it and not just living it up. I will not be here forever.

Sometimes I have a hard time telling what's really bothering me. Part of it is embarrassment with a generous helping of guilt that I'm a stay-at-home mom without, you know, any kids with me the majority of the day. 

Aside from self-loathing, I think what really gets me is that I want to do something meaningful with this time. I want the adult conversation and interaction with people that a job would offer. I want to do some good in the world.

I pictured myself in a part-time job with flexibility, leaving me time to volunteer and still be there fully for the kids. That hasn't come to fruition, at least not yet.

I'm determined to figure this out, though. My beginning plans are humble. I've signed up to do substitute secretarial work in the school district. I will be volunteering one morning a week at the hospital and am looking to do some work at St. Joe's Food Pantry. It's all in the name of soul searching, trying to figure out who I will become.

I've been in kind of a funk creatively, but maybe I'll use this time to write more, try doing a few things that scare me.

I'll tell you one thing, though, I most certainly am not going to go watch an episode of "Grey's Anatomy." The "messy side" of the basement is calling my name and the bedrooms could use a vacuuming. In the meantime, please do let me know if you know of a great part-time job or volunteer opportunity.