August blues

On this, the last day of our vacation, it strikes me that this week has been like a microcosm for the last several years of my life. I began the week flush with anticipation. Wow, a whole week! I was going to savor it. But before I knew it the week was drawing to a close. Where did the week go? Where have the years gone?

Perversely, I often find vacation challenging. I'm a pretty tightly wound person, and it's hard for me to let go and just relax. I'm a homebody and tend to miss my own space under even the best of circumstances. We're here with my whole family on a big, gorgeous spread of prairie land, yet I knew that with 18 of us it could be tight and nerves could flare.

I'm so thankful that I've been able to enjoy our time here to the fullest extent. A couple of acquaintances have experienced losses recently, and it's been on my mind how much I shouldn't take for granted time with people we love.

In true Ceman style, we filled the week first and foremost with lots of game playing, but that was only the beginning. We had an impossibly beautiful week of weather, so we got a lot of time to enjoy Wisconsin's natural beauty in all its summer glory. We took in two state parks, kayaked, canoed, tossed frisbees, and even played a family game of kickball.

One of my greatest joys this week has been watching our small army of boys - seven grandsons plus Ben's friend. I'll hold onto the sounds of Paul, Gus and Truman playing Hero Factory, of Ben and his friend, Ben (Ben Squared) giggling at stupid jokes. I like to think the cousins are forging bonds that will last a lifetime.

The last day of vacation is always so hard for me. I can only hope that as we pull away later today, I'll hold it together enough in the car to cry softly and quietly rather than loud and hiccuping.

I feel so vulnerable and tender lately, like one giant bruise. In a few short weeks, Gus will turn 6, and soon after that, a chapter will close, and a new one will begin. Don't worry, I'll write an epic opus on my grief about that in a few weeks.

I was watching my 2-year-old nephew sit on my mom's lap watching The Wonder Pets. For a brief moment, I lost myself and thought, oh Gus hasn't seen this episode yet! Of course, Gus long ago moved past his love of The Wonder Pets. But the memory of him as small, the warm weight of him on my lap watching that show felt almost close enough to touch.

Like vacation, summer can be hard for me, too. Usually by August, the bickering, the heat and the lack of structure in our days begin to take a toll. I start to long a little bit for the beginning of school.

I can't say that this summer has been some kind of miraculous transformation and that I've been impervious to irritation. I have, however, been appreciating and enjoying this summer in new ways. It's been a season of skinned knees and elbows and boys playing the way boys should.

It's been a relief to take a break from rousing Ben at 6:15 a.m., a joy to let Gus do what he does best - roam free. This has been a desperately needed respite from "Gus had a rough day" reports.

I know we have nearly an entire month left of summer. I also know all too well how quickly these weeks will evaporate, leaving nothing behind but sweet memories. All I can do is make the most of it and try to savor every moment.