Hurray for honesty

 There's this unforgettable scene in the movie Kramer vs. Kramer. The mother, Meryl Streep's character, has recently walked out on the father and son. The dad, played by Dustin Hoffman, has up until now been a fairly  inattentive husband and uninvolved father.

At this point, Hoffman's Ted has been parenting his son, Billy, solo for a short time. The two get into an argument about dinner. (Sound familiar? It does to me.) Billy wants to eat ice cream but hasn't finished his meal. He scoops himself some anyway and makes to eat it.

The scene goes like this:

Ted Kramer: [while Billy brings ice cream to the table] You go right back and put that right back until you finish your dinner... I'm warning you, you take one bite out of that and you are in big trouble. Don't... Hey! Don't you dare... Don't you DARE do that. You hear me? Hold it right there! You put that ice cream in your mouth and you are in very, very, VERY big trouble. Don't you dare go anywhere beyond that... Put it down right now. I am not going to say it again. I am NOT going to say it AGAIN.

[Billy eats ice cream]

Billy Kramer: [Ted picks him up] Ow! You're hurting me!

Ted: OW! Don't you kick me!

Billy: I hate you!

Ted: You're no bargain either, pal! You are a spoiled, rotten little brat and I'll tell you right now...

Billy: I hate you!

Ted: And I hate you back, you little sh*t!

The scene is emotionally charged to be sure. What gets me most about it, though, is its searing honesty. My gosh, who has not been driven to that point with their child at some time? Maybe you're lucky and you handled it better than poor Ted did, but I think it's safe to say most have been brought to that level of frustration.

 

It should go without saying that I'm not a fan of people losing it with their kids, or, obviously, spouting obscenities at them. But Kramer vs. Kramer is one of my all-time favorites, based on the caliber of the performances alone, and watching it as a parent, I could understand the above scene like never before.

 

That movie popped into my head after happening upon this hilarious entry on the Huffington Post. I posted it the other day. If you didn't read it then, it's definitely worth a look. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amber-dusick/parenting-i-quit_b_3008809.html

 

The writer, Amber Dusick, is an author who has a book and blog entitled Parenting Illustrated with Crappy Pictures. Dusick describes how she's held many jobs, and she's always taken pleasure and solace in the fact that she can quit at any time. Of course, now she's a mom, and quitting that job is out of the question, though some days she'd like to do just that. What follows are laugh-out-loud funny illustrations of what she would like to say to her sons in various situations vs. what she actually says. It all rang so true for me.

 

All of this got me thinking about honesty and how, when I come across them, I so appreciate these very real and true portrayals of the difficulties of parenthood. As Dusick writes in her post, so much of what we read about parenting is platitudes - warm and fuzzy truisms posted on Facebook or Pinterest. Those can be great, but sometimes I'm just craving something that goes deeper or shows the rawer side.

 

In the end, sure some of us do once in a while snap at our kids. Maybe we even act like Ted in Kramer or utter aloud the things Dusick sometimes fantasizes about saying to her kids. Don't forget, though, that at the end of Kramer vs. Kramer, Ted has learned a lot and turned out to be a pretty fantastic father. As for Dusick, thoughts and feelings are transient. I think (hope?) it's the big picture that matters most. As long as most of the time we parents act the part of the calm and patient adult, even if we're not exactly feeling it, we'll all be just fine.